This Floating Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

Looking back, we reflect on the TV offerings of the past year, a handful of shows emerge not for their brilliance, but for their notable failures. From awkward sequels to bafflingly poor documentaries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or simply reaching for the remote.

The 'Sex and the City' Sequel

How to start with this divisive spin-off? Plagued with woeful writing, cringe-inducing character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series fought to justify its existence. Briefly, as the final series began, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner declared this would be the final season. It concluded on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s loo full of poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, fans certainly had a hoot picking apart every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't let out a little sob?

All’s Fair

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’

But that was practically the least of this drama's problems. The subject of a very rare zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start listing the flaws. The laughably leaden writing? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and materialism? The almost wilful procession of cliches? Acting so bad they felt almost spiteful? Let’s just say “all of the above” and forget about this series again. Except, a new season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.

AKA Charlie Sheen

Considering the legal troubles, domestic violence claims and parental failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this series might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charismatic but dismissive egotist.

The Iris Affair

Naturally we knew it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.

MobLand

Dodgy figures convening in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.

In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to accommodate baffling dialects. But there were plenty of other issues. Mainly that it was just profoundly dull; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various cockney rogues which seemed rather simplistic.

The Meghan Markle Series

Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into quaint lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you view them and are compelled to admit that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle magazine animated; a poster for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, sentimental sayings and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by vast, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to explore them. Rather, the experience was akin to reading a sales brochure. She clearly has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded non-event of a series.

The Game Show

It had the potential to be the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality managing her estate. What more could you want? As players battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too complicated to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was straining desperately to emulate something far greater than it.

Too Much

How does one follow a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of famous friends involved felt uncomfortable.

The Sketch Show Return

Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.

Given the smart inclusion of gifted younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.

The Knox Dramatisation

This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lurching from oddly jaunty, slightly stylised farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A total mess? Very much so.

Prime Target

We admire the lead actor … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius in history, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could ruin society? No! This international thriller about government agencies spying on – and eliminating – intellectuals frankly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.

1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story

This uncritical portrait followed the online personality renowned for explicit escapades as she undertook her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was far greater examination of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to haul her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific shots and absolutely no interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.